markus had an angel face
and angel hair
so soft I ran my fingers through it
as if through river water
yet on this face there was no room for kindness
in his words no tenderness
I looked at him like through a burning fire
why don’t you kiss me
he asked as we went down the trail
come on, just kiss me
what’s the big deal
he asked again on the side of the road
standing tall above me
his expression hollow
his tone superior and cold
in that scorched summer
he was annoyed and wouldn’t let it go
and I was afraid so I kissed him
eyes closed eyes black body black
the world around me black
with shame
‘not like a child’ he responded
but I was a child
and most of all I was not ready
I thought my first kiss would be special
a moment wrapped in sacred ritual
a beating heart wrapped in warm paper
but it was forced upon me there
under the walnut tree
my insides ready to burst open with fear
and that was only the beginning
he touched me like I was his
science experiment
his little ragdoll with no eyes no face
but a nice butt and SO willing -
I was there
I was simply there
thrown around and poked at yet
never felt more dead
more unsafe
more like a carcass
my body automatic,
I moved like a slow animal
grey mush for brains
when markus left, mom drove me
back home from the airport
and we sat there for 3 hours in silence
I wouldn’t let a single tear go past
my eyelashes
40 degrees outside and my eyes never dried
I couldn’t wait for it to be over, and now it was
I never wanted anything to end so badly,
and it finally did, he was gone
but every night before bed I’d close my eyes
and he was back again
his face under my eyelids
a photogram I couldn’t wipe away
my mind made sure I wouldn’t forget
and for 8 months I didn’t
and I guess I still haven’t, not really
because every time I want to kiss someone
for the first time, I freeze
no matter how badly I want it, I just can’t
and I can’t trust another man,
can’t touch another man
can’t believe he wouldn’t lie to me or hurt me
or want me to be anything more
than what I was to markus
a ragdoll with no eyes no face
but a nice butt
a little science experiment
to poke at
